Living in a material world...

...and I am a material girl.

Well, I've been pretty completely off track for a good solid month and a half. I found about 10 of the pounds I lost, too. (Oh, that's where they were! At McDonald's! On the couch! Here in this pint of ice cream!) It's been pretty hard to come back up with my motivation, because I've just been having general malaise and identity crisis. None of the things that was so motivating to me (Being healthier! A prettier body! More active and confident!) have been even swaying my lethargy. The ONE thing that gives me pause when I just feel like giving up entirely is...

I won't be able to wear all the cute clothes I've been hoarding.

Yup. That's what is motivating me. Shallow vanity and greed. Hey, whatever works, right? And I do have some damn cute clothes that I'm hoarding. Really cute sweaters for autumn, and several awesome geeky t-shirts. Jeans, and two cute swimsuits, a Juicy Couture hoodie... I don't want all my lovely things to go to waste. So I better get on it.

So, today after work I'm going to the Rec center... I just found out they have Zumba classes now! I've heard they're super fun. Of course, my ultimate goal is the badassery that is Cardio Kickboxing. But I'm not there yet, especially after sitting on my ass for the last six weeks.

Constant, Total Amazement

Captain's log. Starweight: 332 (Yeah. I know.) 36 pounds down.

"...almost the whole world is asleep. Everybody you know. Everybody you see. Everybody you talk to. He says that only a few people are awake and they live in a state of constant total amazement. " --from Joe Vs. the Volcano

This is the quote on my profile for pretty much everything (online dating--which I recently shut down, I'm giving that a break for a while; my blog; message boards I'm on; my facebook page... I also plan to have part of the quote tattoo'd on the back of my shoulder.) It's funny, that a quote from a mostly-overlooked and comedic movie can be so profound to me. And have so many layers to me. I want to be awake, I've lived most of my life asleep; weight loss is part of that, but it really spills over to every aspect of my life.

Once again, it comes up as I think of what I've been going through recently. Worries about the future, and about my body and how much damage I've done to it with my overeating, and about any number of other things... have left me in a perpetually asleep state in which I don't notice my life, the people around me, or everything I should be grateful for. I've been going back to Buddhist services, and did a workshop this last weekend as well, and I really enjoy it and find usefulness in it. The thing that I like about Buddhism is that it is practical and makes sense to me, I can see improvements in myself when I incorporate it into my life, and that it doesn't require me to believe in a creator-God that is looking over my shoulder. (Please keep in mind that, despite being raised in one of the most Buddhist-friendly places in the U.S., and having a mother that has chanted for years, and having Buddhist imagery all over my house--the details of its teaching have been vague for me at best and so I'm just learning right now. So if I get something wrong, please don't be a Judgy McJudgerson.)

While I had posted before that I was accepting not knowing, I have to say that it is profoundly devastating to realize that you don't believe in God or really anything after having done so for most of your life. Religion is the opiate of the masses, right? Well, having nothing like that for comfort can be really hard. When I've been going through some bad stuff, I told a friend of mine that I don't believe in anything anymore, and she said, "That is true despair."

SO. While I would feel like a hypocrite to call myself a Buddhist at this point, I am enjoying going to the services and feel better to have something in my life that makes me feel a spiritual connection of some sort.

The workshop that I went to was about Naikan, which is a practice in which you evaluate your life and tally up what you received, what you gave, and what difficulties you caused. This can be done to reflect upon a relationship with a specific person, or a period of time (for example, your day or week.) You use only specifics and think about it in a non-value-judgement way. We also made a list of things in our lives that we are grateful for which is an excellent reminder for me. A lot of times, when I don't have something in my life that I want (for example, during the time that I was coping with the loss of my child-bearing ability), all the other goodness in my life is totally lost to me. I am a very all-or-nothing kind of person. It's important for me to remember that I'm, on the whole, pretty fortunate.

What does this have to do with weight loss? Well, being mindful is one thing that I am working on, in my life and especially in my eating. Most of the time I wolf down my food either in front of the computer or in front of the television. The other problem I have is that I live very little of my life in the present moment. I spend the vast majority of my time focusing on either past regret or future planning or worry.

The funny thing is, that though I eat to escape, I'm never trying to escape the present moment! I'm trying to escape some past or future that is upsetting me. And, I'm not present in the moment as I eat to escape either. I go feral and don't really enjoy it.

Anyways. As you can tell, the weight loss has been stalled. I am not going to berate myself for it. You don't lose 200 pounds in a day. However I do want to look back a year from now and see progress rather than plateau. My first new goal is being mindful: plan meals, eat without television, eat more slowly, enjoy my food, and make conscious choices.

Hawtness prize #7? Jeans. It has been so long since I've worn jeans--and I'm realizing that all my cute geek t-shirts don't look right unless worn with jeans. I ordered one pair that I should fit into now or very soon, but I have about 5 pairs in the motivational clothing stash. Can't wait till I can rock those jeans!

Technology, FTW!!!

Captain's Log. Starweight: 327 (41 pounds down. If you have anything to say about it... bite me.)

Well, the last few weeks have been pretty rough. Between work becoming stressful at a level I haven't seen in some time, and some personal issues I've been dealing with (Yes, I've got more issues than a magazine subscription!) my hawtness efforts have been completely derailed and I've become a depressed, maudlin, lethargic pile of lump. I think you can measure my stress level by the number of fast-food bags in my car. Yesterday's count: 4. Not good! Plus, I am already noticing a negative difference--I don't feel as graceful as I had been, and the times I did exercise last week my stamina had declined--could only pull of 1/2 hour on the treadmill instead of a full hour.

I've been avoiding my blog because of this. I already posted twice that I was getting back on it and have not been entirely successful yet. Yes, I did go exercise twice last week--better than nothing. No, I have not ordered and consumed an entire large pizza (extra cheese, ham, white sauce, spinach, garlic, sun dried tomatoes, bacon and parmesan), despite its pervasive siren song. The ice cream I've eaten has been sugar-free and non-fat. Still-dairy. Which I didn't want to eat. And ice cold, which is an Ayurveda no-no.

SO. I have done a number of things in the past few days to combat the stress and dark mood. I started knitting again, which I love, love, love to do, and ordered yarn to knit up a Doctor Who scarf which will be very, very awesome. So, that helps with the stress. I've also scheduled several social activities outside of my normal routine so that I'm not so crabby and lethargic. I recognize I need to get back on the gym routine and packed my bag so I can go after work today. Also, began tracking my food again today. But what can get me excited about weight loss again?

Enter... technology!

This seems like such a silly thing but somehow I am psyched about tracking my food and exercise! Did you know, that on the iPhone there is an app (well, probably several apps) that allow you to scan the bar codes of your food and it automatically adds it to your nutrition? Amazing! I love this crazy magical space-age world we live in. This program also allows me to track my workouts as well. I am not sure if it has this feature, but a friend of mine also uses phone GPS to track her walking distance. Spectacular!

Other revolutionary advancements in my world of technology:
-iPhone "This American Life" app which I listen to while I walk. Allows me to hear all four-hundred-and-something epi's of This American Life. Ira Glass, David Rakoff, Starlee Kline, Nancy Updike, and Mike Birbiglia: I truly adore thee.

-Wii Fit Plus ('nuff said).

-Of course, just the iPod itself and all the music I can make mix tapes out of in one tiny little device.

-Comcast on-demand workout videos

-Netflix (okay not weight-loss related per-se. And probably actually detrimental to weight loss. But it's helping my stress and mood to be able to watch Doctor Who, Firefly, Mega Shark V. Giant Octopus, Kids in the Hall, and other delightful programs at my whim.)

-I watched a program the other day about advancements in robotics. My dearest wish, having a robot maid, could be a reality in just a few short years!

Seriously, we are living like the Jetsons these days. You know my favorite quote, about constant, total amazement? I am not jaded about technology in any way. All of these amazing things--Skype, the internet, iPhones, and so many other things--inspire in me reflections of childlike wonder all the time.

Ok--wish me luck to ditch the bitch and get back my badassitude!

On the brink of greatness... or mediocrity.

Captain's log. Starweight: 324 (44 pounds down)

Well, for... 3 weeks or so I've been hovering right around 322. I've reached the point where in the past I've always backslid and fallen off the wagon. And I'm SO CLOSE to being under 300! Just 25 more pounds! I've definitely lost a lot of my drive and motivation.

Things I notice need to change:
1. I need to start exercising consistently again. I've let my life and schedule and lethargy overcome me again--it's not an excuse, I was working it into my schedule before. It's been right around a month since I've exercised at the level I was--I'm down to 1-2 times a week.

2. I need to remember why I'm doing this and figure out what's going to motivate me for the long haul.

3. I need to track my calories & nutrition again. Even though I've mostly been sticking with the no dairy/wheat/sugar, I've let crap creep back into my diet. However I HAVE been successful with getting more fruit and vegetables in this week. But, tracking will help me stay on track and not just try to estimate my calories, which may be over acceptable limits.

4. Giving myself credit for how far I've already come. And that I haven't binged or gained any weight back.

5. Finding my badassitude again.

6. Reveling in smaller sizes and embracing my inner vanity. MM gave me a huge bag of "motivational clothing" to work towards, including several pairs of jeans! All of said jeans fit over my butt but would not zip. A worthy goal, I think.



Definitely feeling like Marvin the Paranoid Android today. Life! Don't talk to me about life.

Pour some sugar on me.

Or, don't. Probably better.

I've been avoiding sugar since January or so. The last two days I've had, like, 9 gluten-free cookies. They are small and wheat-free but still contain sugar and yesterday I definitely noticed a difference in my food attitude. I felt snacky and out of control during the day. And then, I forgot to eat dinner. This forgetting to eat thing is happening fairly frequently and honestly, I have never really done that before. K. scolded me that it will mess up my metabolism. Probably true.

The cookies were leftover from a work function so today I put them in the back of the work cupboard, rather than sitting out on the counter, so I would leave them alone.

I have noticed that I've gotten a little bit lax on my nutrition. I haven't been eating nearly enough vegetables (read: almost none, some days) and my fruit intake is lacking as well. I am terribly craving protein lately and eating a lot of veggie "meats". And, the cookies. I need to remember to focus on good nutrition and meal planning to further my goal of good skin elasticity as I lose.

The cookies were really a reminder of how I have been most of my life and how my attitude towards food is really changing now. I think every Former Hippo (or Future Former Hippo) has a long list of really, really shameful things they've eaten in the past. A lot of it has to do with feeling as though we have to sneak food, from embarrassment or from family pressure. For me a little of both. I know some people have resorted to shoplifting to support their eating habit; luckily I have never done so. Most of my really weird stuff was eaten as a teen, when I was living with parents and therefore had little to choose from and had to hide it more. For your shock and awe, I'll list some of the weirdest things I have eaten in binge-mode:
-Frozen Pina Colada concentrate from the can
-a whole bag of after-dinner mints
-sugar cubes
-brown sugar out of the bag
-Buttershots butterscotch schnapps (over the course of a month I probably drank a whole bottle of this, in sneaked sips, as a 14-yr old. It was stored in the basement freezer. However, unlike most teens, I was after it for the sugar, not the alcohol.)
-Sauerkraut and mayonnaise sandwiches
-Cream cheese rolled in egg roll wrappers and deep fried
-saltine crackers in a bowl with sugar and milk
-a whole box of Cap'n Crunch (ouch. ouch. ouch. ouch. ouch. The pain of Crunchmouth is very real)
-Bread and butter microwaved so soft and gooey
-Bisquick mixed with sugar, butter, and milk and microwaved
-milk with sugar mixed in
-whole 1/2 gallon of ice cream
-whole batch of Hamburger Helper in one sitting
-pound of browned ground beef mixed with a bottle of barbecue sauce

Hmm. That's all I can think of for now. All of these items were really from my teens to early 20's... since then, my binging has been mostly of the fast food variety, or just large amounts of normal stuff. It is strange now, the absence of binging. I hope it lasts; right now, I don't like feeling overly full in the way I always had to be before... and feel perfectly OK being hungry for hours at a stretch. Before, I was never hungry. For years.

Have discovered that compulsive spending might be inching its way in to replace the compulsive eating. Must nip that in the bud and work back towards my goal of fiscal responsibility. Please, can I replace the compulsive eating with compulsive CLEANING? That'd be awesome. Thanks.

Another new thing for me (which I've touched upon before) is vanity. I have been in my head and not my body for a large portion of my life. Baggy clothes, little or no makeup, no interest in my personal appearance... (because what's the point if I'm so fat?) This had been contradicted by a desire to amass large quantities of beauty products that I never used, and also a handbag addiction. (Hey--purses always fit no matter how fat you are! Can I get a amen?)

I'm looking better these days. I threw out a huge trash bag of bummy-looking fat clothes. I'm trying to look put-together and accessorized. I colored my hair. I'm growing out my nails for the first time in my life. I'm wearing makeup more often and actually taking care of my skin... (uh--not effing fair that as the weight drops I am seeing wrinkles appear. WTF, life?)

So... that's enough of my self-indulgent ranting for now. Further updates as events warrant...

***Oh, about the new picture (above right--and it'd be bigger if I could figure out how to make it so). DO I NOT LOOK LIKE THE HAWTNESS IN THAT PICTURE? Best picture of me ever. That was me all dolled up for karaoke, and I took it at a very flattering angle. I don't think it's necessarily a realistic depiction, because the angle makes my face look much thinner than it is. I showed M. the pic and said, "I wish I looked like that in real life." and she replied, "That IS you. Yes, it's a flattering angle--but it's you, not someone else." Hard for me to recognize the hawtness, still.

42. The answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything?

Captain's Log. Starweight--326 pounds (42 pounds down).

If you're enough of a geek, you know the significance of the number 42. And if you don't, later for you!

I haven't posted in a while. I'm still on track, having ups and downs but continuing to be committed. I had to be out of town for work and only worked out once during that time, and only twice last week. Next week I will be getting back to at least 4 days of workouts.

Is weight loss the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything? No, it's not. I continue to struggle with body image issues (and worry about future body image issues). Us fat girls often think everything would be better if we were thin. And, I know that's not true. Yes, my life will improve, dramatically I'm sure. But a new (well, gently used and worse for the wear) body after this much weight loss is not going to erase the fat girl brain.

I am working on embracing my beauty now rather than waiting until I'm at goal to accept it. I am enjoying my physical progress, improved lung capacity and fitting into smaller clothes. I actually got my motivational jeans over my ass yesterday! Huge! (The accomplishment. Not the ass. Well, actually, both--but the latter is LESS huge now.)

Improved lung capacity means more sexy dancing and belting out the tunes at karaoke, to which I shall go next weekend. Woo!

Patience, a virtue I do not possess.

The topic of patience has been coming up a lot for me today, having my small niece and nephew staying with me. I love them to pieces, but I am not a patient person and I am definitely having challenges.

It's indicative of my life as a whole, really. Having a need for instant gratification (in the form of cheeseburgers, mostly) is how I got to be a hippo in the first place. And, 34 pounds down but 166 to go... knowing that this effort is serious delayed gratification, well, it's hard.

I look in the mirror and I can see changes but they're certainly not coming fast enough for my taste. Same with my workouts, and progress. I'm progressing but I want to be cardio kickboxing already, damnit! Boy, do I have a long row to hoe.

Having made the decision to change my body and my life, it feels like that decision should've been the instant gratification I've been wanting. My brain feels different, shouldn't my body match already? Somehow I've got to find the patience to keep going with my efforts without seeing a magically hawt body overnight.

This applies to other areas of my life... wanting to immediately have a degree... more money... a perfect relationship. Why do I fight time? Why don't I enjoy the ride? I don't know. But, I'm trying.

(Ah... I'm in a melancholic mood today. I should never, ever watch the movie Up... ever again.)

Just realized another reason why I might be feeling melancholy... today is my 7th wedding anniversary (just in time for my divorce to be final, which is coming in about 2 weeks)... J, I wish you all happiness in life.